I Got My Face Burnt Off

Perfection was a lover I created in my mind, one that did not exist—not living, nor dead.

I've been away for a while. I’ve been intentionally putting myself through a skin procedure that, quite frankly, has been shocking and excruciating. Never in my life have I felt so ugly—not even when I was 22 and landed on my ass on the sidewalk, legs in the air, completely annihilated by copious amounts of lemon drops. I literally look deformed.

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And it better be worth it.

I've had acne scars for many years. They're a huge insecurity of mine. So is my past. So is the way I handled my past. Someone touched me in ways I didn’t ask for, and people told me I looked weird, even without the acne scars. No use whining about it. I’m certain there are others less fortunate than me, with hearts bigger than my head. But the way I coped with these events was through self-punishment. This hurts me, so let me hurt me in the way I’d rather hurt.

I grew up in a family where there were always drugs and weed—I had easy access to it. The heavy drinking started at 17 (10/10 do not recommend), which led to even more traumatic experiences, which in turn led to more drinking. And round and round it went. All of it just aging me prematurely and creating more acne.

Now I’m nearly 5 years sober after a long time of self-inflicted abuse. And now I’m on the never ending journey, trying to reverse the damage I have done-physically.

Perfection was a lover I created in my mind, one that did not exist—not living, nor dead. There were no crossovers or veils to lift. It doesn’t exist for us mortals. It was a vision where the sky was the ocean and the ground was a starry sky you could walk on—one I would never touch.

I take bites out of life from the meal of self-improvement, but unfortunately, I always seem to be hungry.

I’ll keep you posted!